Friday, December 26, 2008

My husband, Marriage, and Family


I inadvertently failed to put a picture of my husband up on my last post, so, I'm adding him today.

Ray is a generous man with a big, heavy heart. I met him during a time when I needed a "real" man in my life.

At first, I had no physical attraction to him. He was strictly a friend in whom I confided. When we became friends, I was going through a separation from my first husband, who cheated on me too many times to count, and I did not trust men anymore. But Ray was different. Maybe it was because we weren't romantically linked that I could trust him, but even so, he brought me such comfort and confidence in myself that I got through my divorce without a single tear.

Ray and I began dating 8 months after we met. It was the slowest starting romance in which I've ever been involved. But nevertheless, 3 years later we married, and now 5 years later, we're still happily together.

Being an intern counselor in marriage and family therapy makes me question so much in my own life. I mean, marriage and family are at the heart of our lives. It's what everyone in this world has in common: we all have a family. Of course, some families are dysfunctional and some are downright horrible, some are "normal" and some are fantastic...but we all have a person or group of people we call our family.

As a counselor, I am supposed to believe that when a family's functioning is at a healthy level, then the individuals of that system are stable and happy. However, that's the trick...establishing a healthy family structure or resolving individual problems as a group and supporting every family member. Not all families are willing to be there for one another or accept each other for who they are.

In my own life, I know Ray accepts and supports me for who I am as well as my children do, so I should be a stable, happy person. But then, we have our extended families who get in the way. Our parents, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, neices, and nephews as well as our friends, co-workers, parents of our children's friends, family friends, etc. So, even if our own immediate families are stable and our marriages are healthy, our extended life can make us crazy.

Life is made up of systems: dyads, triads, groups, etc. It seems like I rarely have a moment to myself when it is just myself and no one else. If and when I get that rare moment with myself, it is then that I decide how I am doing, what I am doing, and where I am going. After all, if we can't answer those questions, then how can we be part of a system that is supposed to be healthy and stable?

Sometimes we just need a minute or 10 to figure out if we're okay, to check-in with ourselves and make sure we're happy, to forget about everything and everyone else and self-focus. So, even though the holidays are among us, I suggest that everyone just takes a minute to separate themselves from their marriages and/or families to focus on themselves in order to make their lives better, to decipher if they're happy with who they are and where they're at, to figure out if they appreciate themselves and what they've accomplished, to realize if they want something more and how to obtain it, and most importantly, to make sure that they're satisfied with life and believe life is great.

We all deserve a fulfilling life. And why not make 2009 the year to achieve our desires and needs and resolve our frustrations and complications. My immediate family is wonderful, but my extended family system stinks. If I can resolve my own questions and issues in life, then maybe my life can be complete and the systems of which I am a part stable and happy.

Here's to ourselves in 2009!!!

2 comments:

Phone Photo Project by Kim said...

Woo hoo to 2009!!!!!

misha~sha-sha said...

That was a beautiful post. I love reading what's in your heart and miss you TOO MUCH!